


Fixing broken hearts

by Jonah_Smith_907



Category: Broadchurch
Genre: Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/M, Nightmares, some smut, suffer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-12
Updated: 2017-03-27
Packaged: 2018-10-03 05:44:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 9,292
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10237148
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jonah_Smith_907/pseuds/Jonah_Smith_907
Summary: I basically just added lots of drama to some scenes and I think I also changed a few things...





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Ocean Breathes Salty](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4285707) by [nannyogg123](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nannyogg123/pseuds/nannyogg123). 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One of my first fanfictions, so I apologize for eventual typos or wrong tenses. Or somthing like that ;)

Alec Hardy was tired. He was tired of everyone blaming him for losing the pendant. He was tired of waking up from nightmares every night. And he was so sick of his Heart Arrhythmia.  
And yet he remained silent. Didn't tell anyone about his heart, the pendant and his wife or anything else. 

Nobody knew. Nobody knew about his in so many ways broken heart. At least he didn't have to force a smile. He never smiled. No one expected him to. They all thought of him as grumpy Alec 'shitface' Hardy. He didn't care. But why would he in the first place?

 

It was silent in his little house at the water. He stared at his phone for a while, pondering whether or not to call his daughter. She wouldn't pick up anyway, would she. He dialed. 

“Hello, Darling.” His voice was low and scratchy. It hurt that she didn't want to talk to him. “I just wanted to call and ask how things are going. Although I guess you're busy with...school and...stuff.” He sighed. “Please just...call me. I love you.” 

One and a half years without talking to your own daughter can be very hard. Tears welled up his eyes. His heart ached again already. But before he could do anything more than noticing that he was indeed crying, someone knocked on his door. Nobody ever did that. He quickly got up and dried his wet face. His vision went blur, his head felt light and heavy at once. He didn't notice he fell to the ground. The next thing he heard, was someone calling his name. Someone slapped him. His heavy eyes flew open and he saw a woman's face above his head. She looked concerned. It took him a few seconds, until he recognized her as DS Ellie Miller. 

“Millah.” His scottish accent was thick, his tongue heavy. “Whatcha doin' here?!”

“Bloody wanker! I wanted to talk to you. What the hell happened?! You passed out right in front of the door. Which wasn't even locked so I came in to check on you when I heard some loud noise!”

“ 'M fine.”, he lied and sat up. Too fast. Again he felt dizzy but he managed to hide it so Ellie wouldn't notice. His legs felt a bit wobbly, so he quickly sat down on the couch.

“Now tell me what happened!”

“ 'M fine, Miller.” His breathing started calming down again. He wouldn't need the pills. Not yet. “What did you want do talk about?”

“You asked, if I would help you with the Sandbrook case. The one you failed.” Those four words were enough to make him clench his teeth, but he didn't object her. “The answer is yes. I will help you. But you've got to tell me everything. From the beginning.”

“I know. Erm...fine.” And he told her. About the family. The suspects. It was surprisingly difficult to find the right words. He hadn't talked about it in ages. 

“You found Pippa. Right?” Ellie suddenly asked. 

“Yes.”, he answered, shifting uncomfortable on the couch.

“Was anything special about the place where she was found?”

“I...I don't know, I...” He took a deep breath and covered his face in his hands. He slowly started shaking when he told her: “I found her in the river. She floated with her face down. The water was freezing and it rained and...I erm...I nearly drowned when I carried her out of the water. She was...she was so heavy because her clothes were soaking wet.” He shortly glanced at Miller but then focused on the floor again. He had to tell her. About his wife. Why was he even doing this? It would only cause more pain than he had already caused. He took another deep breath. “There was...a pendant. It belonged to Pippa. And we found it in the car of Lee Ashworth. There were fingerprints on it. But then it had been stolen.”

“While you were in this hotel and – “

“No.” Hardy's voice was quiet but she immediately stopped talking. He could feel anger rising in his chest. 

“What?”

“It wasn't me who was in this hotel. I didn't lose the pendant. A...colleague of mine had it. And she drove to this hotel to celebrate. It wasn't me.”

“Do not lie to me, Alec Hardy. Nobody goes to a hotel to celebrate. To a bar, yes. To a hotel, never.”

“Fine!”, he snapped. “She was having an affair with another colleague of mine.”

“And why would you take the guilt? Why would you do that?” She judged him. He could hear it. But why? He just told her that it hadn't been his fault. Why was she always so insensitive when it came to him??

“It was my wife.” Trembling hands fumbling around with a pillow. 

Ellie barely understood him, so silent was his voice. “What?”

“It was my wife!”, he suddenly shouted. He jumped to his feet and ran his hand through his hair. “My wife had an affair with another man and she lost the pendant and I nearly died when she told me! My heart gave out and they barely got me back and I took the guilt so my daughter wouldn't have to live with a woman she hates! I thought I was going to die anyway so Daisy could hate me for a few more months and then I'd be gone and she could live happily but now I'm still alive and she hasn't spoken to me in one and a half years and I'm so sick of all the blame!” His vision went blurry again. He started swaying. “And I can't take it any more! I'm broken and I'm just so done.” This last sentence was now weak again and quiet. Again he could feel the tears welling up. 

“What was that about your heart?”, Ellie asked after a few moments of silence.

“Oh, yeah, of course, I'm telling you the story of my suffer and all you ask about is my heart problem.” His voice was filled with bitterness. “But fine, if you really wanna know: it's called a Heart Arrhythmia. Means my heart sometimes beats to slow or to fast and I either just pass out or go into cardiac arrest. Latter one is seriously dangerous.”

“And is there no way of, I don't know, therapy or something?” Now she sounded concerned again. She wondered what kind of a man he was. Of course, first she thought he was just a great arse, but now he had revealed a soft part of himself. Vulnerable.

“They wanted to put a pacemaker into my chest but they didn't know if I'd survive the surgery so they said they wanted to wait. Couldn't convince myself to do it then, though.”

“Bloody wanker.” Ellie sighed. 

“I don't want to die yet, you know!”, he snapped. And that's when she first saw the fear in his tired eyes. The fear of dying. And all the loneliness.

“Okay.” Something told her that he needed to calm down immediately. She didn't quite know why, though. His excitemnet just didn't feel good. “Sit down, Hardy.”, she commanded. He naturally didn't listen.

“Why!” It wasn't really a question. It was a refuse. Even though he could feel that he was close to another blackout.

“Because I can see that you can't focus on me like you usually do. Now sit!”

But it was too late. His vision went out and he could feel his legs giving up. He didn't have the strength to fight it, so he just let himself fall into the darkness.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More drama

He heard a woman's voice. Concerned. Miller shook him firm and he slowly opened his eyes. 

“I was already about to call an ambulance, you fucking wanker!”, she shouted. She was obviously upset with his habit of passing out. 

“ 'M fine.”

“Oh don't tell my no shit, you nob! You passed out twice now!” She was angry with him. Why was always everyone angry with him?!

“ 'M sorry, Millah.” He crawled to his feet and sat down on the sofa, heavily panting. “I just have to rest a little bit.” He took a deep breath. “And calm down. Whenever I get to...excited, my heart does things it's now supposed to do and I pass out. But I'm fine know. Promise.”

“Do you want me to leave?” She suddenly sounded...different. Different from her usual tone. Somehow shy.

“Nah. I've got all the stuff from the case here. You wanted to help me. We can start working through it, if you want.”

“Okay, yes, sure.” She gave him a small smile. He hadn't seen her smile since the day he told her about Joe. The day he destroyed her life. He ran his hand through his hair and glanced at her. She looked tired, so tired.

“I'm sorry.”, he murmured sad. “I truly am. About Joe.”

“Yeah. Me too. I just hope...I hope he goes to jail and never comes back.”

“Yeah.” A moment of awkward silence fell between them, until Hardy got up again. His breathing had calmed down a bit. “I'll get the stuff.”

“Okay, fine.” He had apparently snapped her out of her thought. She had been lost in it, it seemed. 

The air in the little house was pregnant with sadness, guilt, pain and suffer. And yet the two former detectives smiled to hide their grief. Well, Ellie did. Alec not so much. He hid it by being grumpy. But on the other hand, nobody expected him to smile.   
He coughed loudly. 

 

It was late when Ellie finally went home. Her children were long sleeping, taken to bed by her sister, Lucy. At least she could do one more thing than wasting money.  
Ellie went upstairs and made her ready for bed. It was cold when she slipped under the blanket. It was always cold since Joe wasn't there any more. It took her ages until she finally fell asleep, but it didn't last very long. 

It was night. She was asleep when she suddenly heard a strange noise and woke up. She ran to Tom's room and saw two schemes, standing in the small room. One of them was bigger than the other one. It took her a few seconds to recognize them. It was Tom and Joe. The man's figure was big and dark and threatening. His hands seemed to become even bigger the longer she stared at them. Those hands had murdered an innocent child. What else might those hands be able do?  
“He's going to tell them!”, Joe shouted furiously. “I can't let him do that!”  
“He says he loves me more than you do.”, Tom said. “He says you didn't give him enough love. That's why he has to take me, now that Danny's gone.”  
They started kissing disgustingly and Joe smiled insane. Ellie tried to scream, tried to interrupt them, but it didn't work.  
Suddenly Beth appeared next to them and they were all standing in front of their house.  
“How could you not know?”, she asked angrily.  
Next to her Susan Wright appeared and she grinned at Miller. “Do you believe me now?”, she asked. “We didn't notice. We're bad mothers, aren't we.”

Soaked in sweat Ellie shot up in her bed, her hands shaking. It was always the same dreams. Sobs fought their way up her throat and she silently started crying, burying her face in her pillow, once again to remain quiet, to not wake Tom or Fred up.  
It hurt. Her heart ached as if somebody had stabbed her. Joe's betrayal really was hard. But she would make it. She had to. She was strong. And so was Tom. They just had to see him as what he was: a child's murderer. There was nothing nice to say about that. No excuse.

 

The next day Ellie went to the trial again, but as soon as she sat down, she noticed that something was missing. Or rather somebody. “Where's Hardy?”, she asked the man next to her. 

“No idea.”, he answered. “Didn't show up today.”

“Huh.” She considered if she should go and check on him and if she could stay away from the trial for just one day. She needed a break anyway. Her choice fell quickly. She could feel the looks of the Latimer's on her back when she left the room. Ellie didn't think they would ever forgive her for not knowing. It hurt.

 

“Alec?” No answer. “Alec Hardy, you there?” Ellie stood once again in front of his door. 

When still nobody responded, she looked through a window but couldn't see anything. Until she shot a look at his bed, in the corner. The messy shape under the blanket approved her assumption, that he was still asleep.  
It seemed unusual for him to stay in bed for so long. Especially on such an important day (It was one of the last days of the trial.). Besides; he didn't seem the type to sleep that long. He always looked like shit, as if he never slept more than maybe four hours. She went back to the door and opened it as silent as possible. It squeaked loudly. Alec didn't wake up. She started to begin to worry about him. This was very strange. She went to his bed and looked at the shivering man. His eyes were closed but yet moved as if he was dreaming; so were his lips. Even though his voice was too quiet to understand, he mumbled something. His forehead and chest were sweaty and his hands twitched. The thin blanket barely covered his legs and hang half to the floor. It was cold. 

Ellie softly touched his shoulder and shook it gently. He immediately opened his eyes and stared at the ceiling without noticing his former colleague. He gasped loudly and his hand was clutched into the sheets. Ellie jumped in surprise; didn't think he'd react like this. His eyes were widened with fear when he stared at her for a second. Then suddenly he relaxed back into the mattress and rolled to his side, away from Miller. It took her a moment until she realized, that he was weeping, silently sobbing into his pillow to hide his emotional breakdown. His shoulders were shaken by his desperate cries.

And for the first time Ellie realized, how broken this man was. The betrayal of his wife, all the blame for something he didn't do and his daughter who had ignored him for so long...it had destroyed him. He didn't even consider the possibility to survive longer than a few months and now he didn't know what to do. She felt incredibly sorry for him and even regretted, thinking so harsh about him. 

She quietly reached out for him, but before she could touch him, he spoke. “ 'M fine, Millah. Just...leave. Please...?” His voice was thick with sleep and shaky from his crying. He sounded like he was near a panic attack.

“Why are you crying?”. She asked anyway. She really did want to know what was going on in this stubborn head of his. 

“None of your business.” It came out rougher than he had wanted it to. He wouldn't admit it, but he was scared. He neither wanted her to leave - not really - nor did he want to talk about the terror, haunting him every night. He felt cold. 

“I wanna know. Tell me.” She sat down next to him and gently ran her hand over his shoulder. Again he began to shake and buried his face even further in his pillow, trying to ignore the want of someone touching, hugging, even soothing him. It seemed to fit to his grumpy image. “Please.” Her gentle voice was everything needed to brake his resistor. 

“The day I found Pippa. When I...nearly drowned.” He still refused to turn around and his desperate voice got even more trembling now. “I couldn't let her go, Millah! I thought that maybe if I could just get her out of the water...that I could save her.” He finally turned towards her, his eyes full of grief and fear. “I wake up every night, dreaming of drowning. That's why I hate water. And...” He took a deep shaky breath. He suddenly couldn't stop talking. It just felt too good, relieving. "And 'm so sick of being all lonely and hated and blamed! I can't take it anymore, Millah. I don't know how to be nice to others because nobody was nice to me in a long time and 'm so! Tired!"

Tears streamed down his face, his eyes were dark and desperate. He looked so lost. And this time Ellie couldn't help but lean over and hug him. First he was pretty surprised and rigid but then he melted into her touch and buried his face in her neck. She gently stroked his back with one hand, pulled him closer with the other one and soothed her suffering friend. Because that's when she realized, that this was what they were indeed. Friends. He clutched to her shirt, crying like he never had before. He seemed so small and vulnerable. Fragile. Ellie didn't let go of him, feeling how her shirt got wet by his tears.  
They both didn't move for several minutes, until Alec backed off a bit and looked at her. His eyes were red and his lips swollen, but the look he gave her was grateful but also shy. "I'm sorry.", he said quietly, barely understandable.

“What for?”, she asked confused. "For braking apart like this in front of you. I should be...strong and - " "Stop talking bullshit. You've got every right to do so." She gave him an encouraging smile and squeezed his hand. "I came her because I wondered where you are on such a day. With the trial and all. I was here to help. And you are very very welcome."

"Thank you." He wiped off the tracks of his tears and was about to get up, but Ellie pushed him back down again.

“You are shaking.” She said reproachful. "And you look like shit. And not only because you cried. You look ill."

“I...haven't noticed.” His view got a bit unfocused, his voice still shaky and dry. He felt hot. “ 'M sorry, Millah.”

“You are ill. I heard your coughing yesterday. How did you manage to get ill, you nob?!” She placed a hand on his forehead. It was burning.

“Must have gotten a cold while being outside. I like going on walks.” He smiled weakly.

“Bloody wanker!” She pushed him back down as he once again tried to get up. “You've got a bloody heart condition! It is not bloody helpful to get further ill! Bloody idiot!”

“And watcha gonna do now?” He let himself fall back into the mattress and closed his eyes. It felt too difficult to keep them open.

“You're gonna lay down and I'm gonna make tea and get a clinical thermometer.”, she grizzled as she put the blanket around Hardy properly. “I mean where the hell did you even get this shitty blanket?! It's thin like air!” She then went to the kitchen and started searching for a teapot and some cups. When she looked back, she saw that he had already fallen asleep again, softly snoring. His steady rising chest calmed her a bit. Her sad smile was full of pity. It troubled her, to know how broken he was. He had been his rock since he had told her about Joe. She had seen his look when he said those three words. His eyes had been so sad. But different from all the others was still, that he didn't blame her. He always supported her. In everything she did. He even babysitted Fred once. It was back then when he lived in that hotel. He had come over to Ellie and watched out for Fred while she collected Tom from school. A small chuckle escaped her when she thought about Alec and Fred. The little toddler had been totally in love with the sticky beard of Hardy's. Once again she looked at the now calm sleeping man. He looked peaceful. At least more than usual.

 

Half an hour later Alec woke up and the first thing he saw was a steaming cup of tea next to his bed. Next to it sat Ellie and stared at him. “Back from the dead.”, he joked.

“Not funny.”, she replied dryly. “Not when it's coming from you.” She motioned him to open his mouth and shoved the thermometer between his lips. "Under the tongue and wait for two minutes.", she demanded. He obeyed her order. "I owe you some thanks, you know.", he mumbled all of a sudden. 

“What for?” She pulled the thermometer out of his mouth again and shot a critical look at it.

“Helping. I...often wake up and...erm...cry for hours. It's never been this easy before. Thanks to you.” His hands fumbled around with his blanket and he carefully avoided her look.

“You just looked so miserable. Like a bird with broken wings.” 

“Don't get soppy, Millah.” But he smiled grateful at her.  
She smiled back at him, but didn't let herself get distracted for long. She handed him the cup of tea. "No fever, but you stay here today and drink lots of tea." He nodded and took a small sip. He frowned in surprise and looked at her. "That's actually not even that bad.", he said. "I'm not that bad of a cook, you know." "Never said that." "Lucky you." She grinned. "Look, I wish I could stay longer, but I want to go back to the trial again. I'll drop by in the evening again if that's okay with you. Just...watch out for yourself. And don't do anything that could take you into cardiac arrest! Do you hear me?" "Yes, Sir." He smiled. "No, seriously. I'm gonna watch out. And I'd be very glad if you dropped by." "I will." She was about to leave the small house, but she turned around once more. "You are not all alone, you know. You've got me. Well, and Fred." She smiled and then left, closing the door behind her, leaving Alec lost in thoughts. But for once it were good thoughts.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Alec has his surgery, Daisy gets introduced. Alec fights with Tess and they explain the Sandbrook case to her (SPOLIERS); Alec satys at Ellie's after his surgery; lots of drama again

'Having surgery today. In case I make it, I'm gonna need a ride.  
Hardy'  
Oh he was rude. As always. Ellie was on her way to the hospital and she was angry, incredibly angry with this stupid, stupid man. In case he made it! He still didn't think he'd survive, did he. She was worried. Although she never would have admitted it. Of course, she was bugged by his stubborn way to ignore his health and that he didn't tell her about the surgery, but she was also incredibly worried. Concern tugged on her guts, tapping her hand against her thighs nervously. What if he didn't make it? She put out her phone and dialed.

 

His head felt heavy but light, as if he was falling. It took him lots of strength to open his eyes, but then they flew open. It was bright. Way too bright. A look to his left and he saw a window, covered with ugly curtains. His view trailed off to the ceiling again and a small, tired smile glanced over his face. 

“I'm alive.”, he whispered. He was actually surprised by this fact. He had never really counted on surviving this surgery. Some noise next to him made him turn his head to the right side. To fast. A wave of dizziness drowned his consciousness and his eyes fell shut for a moment, before he could make out a blurry figure next to his bed. After a moment he discerned Ellie. What was she doing here? For though he was confused by her presence, he was also very happy to see her. A warm feeling spread in his stomach as he looked at her.

“Bloody wanker!”, she slapped his shoulder. It hurt. He should have known that she would be angry. “You should have told me about the surgery earlier!”

“Didn't want ya to worry.” Again he smiled. “I did it, Millah. 'M still breathing.”

“And you are even smiling. I'm impressed.” It wasn't Ellie who had spoken, although she had already opened her mouth to do so. She and Hardy looked behind her. There was a woman standing. It was his Ex-wife. She smiled widely. “This nice friend of yours called me.” She pointed at Ellie, who tugged her head sheepishly. 

“Watcha doing here?!” Hardy actually managed to sound angry, though weak. “I don't want ye here.”

“I thought maybe she should know.” His former partner laid her hand reassuring on his arm, which for her surprise even worked. At least a bit. 

“They nearly lost you.”, Tess suddenly said. She sounded concerned.

“You already have. A long time ago.” He didn't even try to hide his bitterness. It was probably to blame his painkillers, but he finally wanted to free himself from this woman. She had done so much harm within so little time. And yet was she always pretending to be best friends with Hardy. But of course she didn't know or didn't want to see how much she had really hurt him. In so many ways. “At least you are the reason why I'm laying here right now. Without you...I'd be fine.”

“I...I better leave.” Ellie, who felt like this had been a terrible mistake, was about to turn around, but he grabbed her hand weakly and held her back. The light touch was everything she needed to stay. 

“Please don't. I'm glad you're here.” He gave Ellie a small smile and shot a detached view at Tess, who looked as if he had hit her in the face. Her eyes were moist. “I want you to leave me alone, not to call me or show up at my bed when I'm laying in hospital. Again. And I want my daughter back.”, he demanded with calm voice, but Miller felt how his hand - which hadn't let go of hers - tightened its grip. Tess nodded. Once. Then she turned around and left. Hardy escaped a little sigh. It almost sounded relieved.

“I shouldn't have called her.”, Ellie said.

“No it was...I guess it was necessary. Thank you. For being here.” He squeezed her hand.

“I'm glad that you're not dead.” She smiled and gently stroked the back of his hand. God, his hands were beautiful. Those long fingers, skin dry and rough, but the fingertips soft and veins looming. What else might those hands be able to do, other than just going through files and arresting criminals?

“Yeah me too.” He actually laughed. “But they still have to find the right speed for the pacemaker. It's gonna take a while.”

“When are you going home?” 

“This evening. As soon as possible. I hate hospitals.” His look said everything. Disgust fought with fear about the best spot, but when he looked to Ellie, she could also see something else. Maybe hope. But hope for what?

“You should stay another night.” She didn't really try to convince him. He was stubborn. Very.

“Why? Where's the matter for that? I'm fine.”

“Nob.” Again she slapped him, but not that hard this time. She knew there was not use in trying to persuade him. “I'll drop by at seven.” She got up and left, but turned around once more when he spoke up.

“Thank you.” He smiled at her and the looked at his watch and sighed. Seven hours left. Well...he could take a nap. Naps were good. Was there just a noise? Nah... He let himself take away by the soft darkness of sleep, which would hopefully be a little bit more peaceful than usually because of the painkillers.

 

Ellie smiled as she looked back and saw that Hardy had fallen asleep again already. He looked peaceful. Not like the last time where he had had this nightmare. It felt good, like a privilege, to see him like this. So vulnerable. His chest rose and fell steadily and reassured her that he was still alive. It would probably destroy her entirely if he died. He had been her rock in the past few days. Since he had told her about Joe. It still hurt, thinking about him. But when she was with him, wandering around or just talking about random things, she could forget all the evil things out there and just be herself. After one last long look she turned around and then nearly stumbled into a young girl, who rushed past her. She somehow looked familiar to her, but she didn't stop and just ran onward. Ellie shook her head and then walked past Tess, without really noticing her. Her head was too full with thoughts. She had a very good idea.

 

Daisy burst into the room and looked at her sleeping father. Regret overwhelmed her when she saw how much he had changed: he was thin, skinny even; his face was pale and his beard not that smart.  
Her mother didn't say what was the reason for her to come here when she had called and not even when they met in front of the hospital and told her to do so. They were both staying in a hotel in the nearby town and it took her twenty minutes to get here, but now she was scared. Why was he even in a hospital?! Tess hadn't told her anything, just that Alec apparently had been very ill for a long time and had had a dangerous surgery. He could have died. And they didn't tell her. Her fear slowly changed into impatience. She had the bad feeling that this wasn't only about his surgery.

Suddenly her father's hand winced and then his eyes flew open. He looked to his side and saw Daisy. His eyes widened in surprise and love. He hadn't expected her yet.

“Hello, Darling.” He smiled. “What are you doing here?”

“Mom said you've had a surgery. You could have died and didn't even tell me!”

“Well I sort of couldn't...you didn't talk to me. And it's been too big to simply send a text.”

“Yeah. Right.” She looked to the floor in shame. Thinking about it, she realized that she had been a real nob for ignoring him like this. “Mom also said that you wanted to talk to me about something else. About the Sandbrook case apparently.” She rose her eyebrow and looked at him suspiciously.

“Did she.” He sounded uncomfortable. He didn't know how to tell her this. He had expected it to be easier. “She should be here, too.”

“Oh, she is. Standing right in front of the door.” Daisy went and let her mother in. She shot another impatient view at them. “And you two now tell me what the hell is going on.”

Hardy suddenly was scared. What if this wasn't the right decicion after all and this just made it worse? For a brief moment he hesitated, but then something inside his head kicked him the ass and he realized that he didn't care about Tess anymore. Yes, Daisy would probably be angry at her. But it wasn't his fault then. He just would have told the truth. Painful, yes. Unbearable, no. He stared at Tess with steely eyes while finally saying calmly: “I didn't loose the pendant. And I didn't have an affair.” He just wished this was easier.

“Then who...”, Daisy started, but was cut off by Tess.

“I did. I am responsible for the failure of the trial and even for this surgery. Your father's condition got this bad when he found out. I am sorry.”

“And why the hell did he take the guilt then?!” She could already think of a possibility, but she yet refused to accept it.

“Because I thought I'd die anyway and I didn't want you to have to live with a woman you hate. Would have been easier. Well, didn't work out the way I thought.” It occurred to him that he got slapped very often today. He rubbed his hurting shoulder and glanced at Daisy and tried to understand what was going on inside her head. He could see that she needed the final sentence. "It was your mother." It was dead silent in the room, until Hardy suddenly groaned in pain. "Whatever they are giving me against the pain just gave out!" 

“I'll go and ask some nurse if they can get you more.” It was a weak and desperate excuse for Tess to get out of the room, but before she could leave, Hardy called her name. They both knew that she wouldn't come back. She turned around one last time, trying not to look to her daughter, who sat on the chair next to Alec's bed, trying to figure out how she should act around Tess now. She was confused, to say the least. “Yes?”

“Thank you. For telling her. Finally.” It was true. It was reliving to tell the truth. And if he was lucky, his daughter might stay with him or at least start talking to him again.

“Yeah. I've always known that it wouldn't last forever. Didn't know that you planned on dying, though.” A small smile glanced over her face before she left, trying hide her moist eyes. She knew it would be hard for Daisy to forgive her.

“How could you not tell me?!”, Daisy asked angrily as soon as her mother had left. “I hated you! For almost two years I didn't even talk to you! Everyone hates you! Why did you do that!” She honestly couldn't understand it. She was of the opinion that she would have deserved the truth.

“I did the same thing I've always done. Protect you.” His smile was warm and patient and understanding and happy. He was just so glad that she'd come back. Daisy couldn't help but start crying at his sight and hug her poor father. How could she have abandoned him like this?! She was a horrible person.

At this point Alec didn't care that Tess would have to suffer from lots of trouble. It was clear that soon everyone would find out. Too many people already knew. Even the press – well, one newspaper. Even though they didn't print it yet. He would tell them to do so in a week or two. After she would have had time to explain the whole thing to her boss. There was a hard time coming up for her.

 

Daisy stayed with him until it Ellie came and then helped him to get dressed. He had made clear that he didn't want to stay any longer. He really did hate hospitals. Miller was waiting outside with her car and helped him sit down in the front seat. Daisy went to the back and tried to stay awake. The drive was quiet; Alec nearly fell asleep again, his daughter stared out of the window and Ellie focused on the street. Neither Hardy, nor Daisy noticed that they weren't driving to the little blue house near the water, but to Ellie's. 

When they had gotten there, Alec had started to complain that this wasn't necessary, but Ellie had told him that she wouldn't leave him alone after a surgery this dangerous and that he should stop talking or she would kick his sorry arse. Once inside, they sat down on the sofa. The former detective panted heavily and clenched his fist into a pillow to take control over the flashing pain. His face was pale, but he managed to hide it at least a little bit from his daughter so she wouldn't get scared. After he took a pill and the fresh wound stopped aching, he relaxed again and listened to the two women, that had been talking since they'd entered the house. 

Suddenly Ellie's son Fred came running towards them. He climbed on the couch and frankly sat down on Hardy's lap. Although they had never met before, the little boy seemed to be rather in love with the scratchy beard of Alec's. He smiled and looked down to the little toddler. “Hello, wee Fred.”, he said and ran his hand through his hair. The young boy laid down and closed his eyes. “Do you want to sleep, little man?”, Alec asked. The other one nodded seriously and grinned happily. Ellie got up and wanted to take her son, but he held on to his new pillow. Alec actually laughed and carefully got up. He held the smaller one firmly at his hand and slowly went up the stair, heading for Miller's room. 

“I've never seen him that happy in all those months he's already here.”, Ellie complained to Daisy, who just laughed. They liked each other, especially bitching about Alec. They really did have lots of fun.

“Well, he had every reason to be grumpy. And now he's got every reason to be happy.”, the girl said. Again she got overwhelmed by regret and shame.  
“I shouldn't have abandoned him.” Her voice was sad. 

“He sometimes talked about you. Not often, but when he did you could hear his love for you. He doesn't blame you for what you have done. And he never will. It was his own dumb decision.” Ellie smiled friendly, got up and waited for the girl to do so as well. She led Daisy to her bedroom. Ellie only had one guestroom and the couch was very hard, so they had decided that Ellie and Daisy would sleep together in her king sized bed and Alec in the guestroom. At least that was the plan. 

But when the two women came in, they saw Alec who laid on the bed, on top of the sheets, Fred on his stomach. They were both deeply asleep. They watched them for several minutes until Ellie took the toddler and laid him in his own bed, whilst Daisy pulled the blanket over her father. He didn't wake up but rolled to his side and buried his face in his pillow. His hand hung from the bed. 

“I'm gonna stay here with him and Fred, if that's okay with you.”, Ellie offered. For some reason she liked the thought of sleeping in the same bed as Alec.

“Sure. Good night.”, Daisy replied and smirked. She liked the idea that her father had actually made a friend. Under the given circumstances he must have been really pissed off. “Slap him if he's taking your blanket.”, she added and then went to her room. She could barely keep her eyes open any more.

Ellie grinned and laid down next to her former boss. He had already started shaking again. She gently stroked his hair and moved closer to him. The given reaction was, that he turned towards her and snuggled closer like a young child. He looked adorable. She smiled and gently stroked his back and ran her fingers through his hair, until she fell asleep, too.

 

It was about 3am when Ellie woke up again. She hadn't had a nightmare this night but Hardy was talking in his sleep and he made sudden movements. He said something about water and a pendant – the pendant. And he didn't wake up. His breathing was way too fast and sweat was on his forehead and chest. 

Like before she shook his shoulder softly until he suddenly practically jumped awake and without noticing grabbed her arm tight. His whole body was in tension and his other hand was shaking hard. He was panting and gasping for air. His view was unfocused until Ellie gently squeezed his shoulder and quietly said his name. He slowly relaxed again and let himself fall back on his back. His eyes were filled with tears already again. Yet he managed to smile. 

“Here we go again.”, he said with rough voice and wiped the tears from his cheeks. “At least I can't die from a nightmare any more.”

“That could have happened before?!”, Ellie asked shocked. Bloody wanker.

“Yeah, well, it didn't, right? Still here to annoy you.” Satisfaction overwhelmed him when he noticed that he had stopped crying.

“I'm glad you are.” Her voice was barely loud enough for Hardy to understand. “We are friends, you know. I would have missed your grumpy type.”

He grinned. “I would have missed you, too.” He snuggled deeper under his blanket. “I'm sorry that I took your bed but I was just so tired yesterday and Fred was so soft and sleepy.” He smiled. “I couldn't resist sitting down and talk to him while he was falling asleep.” 

“I know, he's incredibly sweet.” Ellie glanced over to the bed of the toddler. “And as soon as he starts asking questions about his father, I'm going to tell him the truth. I am not going to tell him some stupid lies like other mothers would do. He deserves the truth.” Soft anger filled her voice, mixed with a little bit sadness. 

“You are all going to make it through this, alright?” Alec squeezed her hand and smiled encouraging at her, his eyes barely open anymore. 

She laid back down but didn't let go of his hand. “I think we both might need something to hold on to tonight.”, she whispered, but referring to Hardy's steady raising chest and his calm breath, she supposed that he was asleep already. And he was indeed, just more peaceful. 

She smiled to herself.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Some smut...never would have thought that I'd ever go this way. It the first time ever that I am writing such a scene so be gentle xD

It was dark when Alec woke up again. It took him a second to realize that the reason therefor were the curtains, keeping the light out. He yawned and got up. A look at his watch told him that it was 8am already. It was very unusual for him to sleep that long. His normal sleeping schedule only contained about 5 hours restless dreaming. Nightmares mostly.

Miller and Fred weren't seen anywhere in the room, so he figured that they would be downstairs already. He got dressed and went down the stairs, looking for them. He found them in the kitchen, Ellie trying to feed the toddler, who rather threw his food everywhere else than into his mouth. Daisy sat next to them, watching and smiling. She looked beautiful when she laughed. 

"Morning.", Alec said after a while. Ellie nearly dropped the spoon she was holding, but then smiled widely when she turned around. 

"Morning, sunshine.", she said cheerfully. She then rose an eyebrow. "Wow. Never seen you in anything else than a suit before." She actually sounded impressed. 

"Well, I bet you didn't think I'd ever wear something else, didn't you." He grinned. 

"I suppose I though that it's already part of your skin."

"That's disgusting. Besides, you have seen me in this hospital clothing twice now."

"Oh, yes, that's really the same." She rolled her eyes. She wondered what he looked like under his clothes. But then she looked at him with worry. "How are you feeling?" Her voice was soft and they both knew that she was referring to their last night's talk. It had been very emotional, but also relieving. It felt good, having somebody to talk to.

"Better. Thank you." He could feel Daisy's look in his back. He wondered what went through her head right now. Most likely the wrong thoughts. But it was true what he said. He hadn't talked to anybody about this in a long time. He could feel how some weight had been taken off of his shoulders, just by telling his closest friend. Well she was also his only friend, but anyway. She cared about him. That was clear. She sometimes also looked at him with something in her eyes which he couldn't quite make out. But it was kind. He liked it.

"I'm going to go to Mom today and stay over night. I'll come back tomorrow about lunchtime.", Daisy suddenly burst out. "I've got to talk to her. I don't want to make the same mistake twice." She smiled weakly at her father.

"Alright. Send me a text as soon as you're there, promise?"

"Sure." She gave him a tight hug before heading for the stairs to pack her stuff. She would only need a few things, considering that she wouldn't be gone for long.

"She's going to come back." Ellie laid one hand reassuring on Alec's arm. He just nodded. Of course she would. I mean...why not, right?

 

Alec was bored. The surgery had left him weak and tired, but not tired enough to sleep - although he had finally managed to go down the stairs without panting like a dog with asthma. But he yet wasn't strong enough to do anything else then reading, watching random movies and going on very short walks outside, always guarded by Miller. Of course, both, her and Daisy had tried to task him and he'd had lots of fun with Fred, but now it was around midnight, he couldn't sleep, nobody was awake and he couldn't remain still anymore. 

He slowly got up, careful, to prevent his heart from aching, and quietly went down to stand in the kitchen for some time, like he often did. But when he finally was downstairs, he saw Ellie sitting on the sofa. She seemed to be crying. His first thought was going back to bed and leave her in peace, but then he suddenly was desperate to go to her, sooth her, care for her.

He slowly went to her and sat down next to her. 

"What are you doing here?", she asked and tried to hide her tears. She wanted him to leave so that she could cry in peace, but another part of her wanted him to stay, to calm her, to touch her. 

"Couldn't sleep. Like you, apparently." It troubled him, seeing her like this. He wanted to make her stop crying, calm her shaking hands, but he didn't know how. His people skills were a bit rusty, so he just asked: "What's wrong, Ellie?" He couldn't think of something better to come up with, but she seemed rather pleased with it. Well...sort of.

"It's because of Joe." Her scratchy voice sounded rough. "How can one man destroy so many lives?!" One look into her eyes told him everything he needed to know. Those honest eyes that could never hide anything, now full of anger and pain. "How could I not know! And how dare I be sad about his loss!" Her hands were fumbling with some pillow.

"You couldn't know. Nobody could have. And you have every damn right to be sad. You loved him. And maybe you still do." He gently reached out for her hand, but she winced back. It hurt more than it should have.

She wheezed unconvinced. "I was his wife. I should have noticed something. Anything! And really don't love him any more. I am just so angry when I think about him."

"First of all, stop blaming yourself! This is an order from your former boss and you will obey it! And secondly: be angry. It's fine. Just...let it out. Talk to me." 

"I...I'm always thinking...what if he had done it to Tom, too?! What if he had gone further and done something...something really bad. If he touched him. What if-"

"He didn't." he laid his hands firm on her shoulders and forced her look at him. "He did not. Do this. It is not! Your fault. He's gone. You will never have to deal with him ever again. And if he might come free! God I hope not. But if he did and came for you, call me. Inform me. I will protect you and Tom and Fred. I am here for you. Just like you were for me. Okay?" He gently wiped away a tear from her cheeks. She nodded. 

"But..there are these...nightmares. I have them very often. It's about Tom and Joe....and Beth and Susan Wright. It's....it's terrifying." A sob fought its way up her throat. "I'm scared, Alec."

The way she said his name made his heart jump. He pulled her into a hug and pressed a soft kiss on her hair. "I won't let him hurt you any more.", he whispered. "I promise." He felt her body relax against him, gripping his shirt tight, desperate for something to hold on to. 

Something about her weight in his arm loosened something inside him. It felt good, to be able to help her, to care about her, to protect her. This feeling was yet unfamiliar and he was incredibly shy about touching others, but with Ellie...it was different. Easy even. 

It wasn't until she pulled back, that he noticed that she had stopped crying. Now she looked at him, almost embarrassed, but there was also something else. Curiosity.  
And something he couldn't quite make out. 

They both remained silent, waiting for the other one to talk first, until Ellie finally spoke up: "That was..."

"Awkward. I know, I'm sorry." Alec ran his hand through his hair. "I just didn't know what to do and you looked so vulnerable and small and lost and I wanted to help you. I wanted to protect you." He fell silent again and looked up to her. She smiled. 

"I was saying that it was very nice.", she said. "You can be very cute when you don't know what to do or to say."

"I'm not...I wasn't...oh, shut up, Miller!" He buried his face in his hands and actually blushed. "God, this is embarrassing."

"I'm glad, actually." She took his hands off his face and ran her fingers over his palm. "I liked it. It felt...good."

"I liked it, too.", he admitted. "Very."

"You really are cute."

"I can be even cuter." His kind eyes sparkled with excitement when he gently wiped her left tears away, but this time his hand remained on her cheeks, feeling her soft skin on his rough fingers. Without thinking he leaned forward and pressed a mild kiss on her from crying still wet lips. For a second he got seriously worried that he had made the wrong move, but then she responded, split her lips to let him. He eagerly pushed his tongue into her mouth, exploring it. 

His lips were soft but firm, always desperate to feel more of her, while she ran her hand over his chest, careful not to hurt him. He followed her instance, exploring her body, her soft spots. 

"I forgot to tell you something.", he suddenly said, panting from the heat of their kiss. "No sex within the first six weeks after surgery." He chuckled softly against her neck when she groaned in disappointment. "Is Tom upstairs?", he whispered and carefully pulled her nightie above her head.

"He's staying with a friend tonight." She gasped surprised when he started kneading her breasts. He wrapped his lips around her nipple, licking and teasing. He then went back up to her face again, kissing her hard. 

"I may not be allowed to have sex with you! But I can give you pleasure in another way." His hot breath against her skin made her guts burn and caused her goosebumps. "If you like.", he added. His trembling hands went down from her full breasts to her legs, shortly rubbing over her vagina through her pants, to show her what he intended to do. 

"Yes.", she hissed. "Please!" A nervous laugh escaped her when he gently slipped under her pants and started rubbing over her clit. She moaned when she felt the intimate touch. The thought alone of his beautiful hands made her loathing for more. God, those long fingers. Ellie reached down and made clear where she wanted those fingers. He obeyed without hesitation. 

Of course he wouldn't deny that he had grown an erection, but that didn't matter at the moment. They could take care of that somewhen else. When he was fully recovered. For now it was enough for him, just to see her like this. He smiled. "You are so beautiful, Ellie."

She didn't respond, but pushed her whole body against him, desperate for more. A shudder ran through her body when she came. Hands shaking, her eyes closed and her wonderful mouth half open, as she gasped for air.

Alec smiled widely, pressed a slow kiss on her lips. There wasn't so much rush this time. It was calmer, more sensitive. He gently stroked her hair, bracing on his elbow. 

"The rumors are true then.", Ellie said after a while and smiled. She turned her head to face Alec who looked at her with warm eyes. 

"Apparently." He carefully out a strand behind her ear and then laid his hand on her neck, slowly stroking her jaw. It was warm and soft. "It feels good. This. Touching you, looking at you, talking to you. God you are so beautiful.", he smiled. "So beautiful."

Ellie rose her hand and without making a noise, explored his face with her fingertips, contouring his nose, stroking his beard. She softly ran her hand over his slightly opened lips, feeling their softness. She wandered over his cheeks, his neck and down his arm to his hand on her neck. "You are beautiful, too.", she finally whispered. "And you are not broken, you know. Like you said back in your house. And even if you are...I'll help you. I'll help you smiling. And laughing. And being happy. You deserve it. Hell, you have suffered enough for an entire life. You deserve some peace."

"We will do it together. Getting our lives back, I mean. And we will make it. We will be happy." His whole face brightened up when a warm smile flashed over it. "Let's go upstairs. More comfortable, don't you think?"

She chuckled, got up and put her nightie back on. Then she took his hand and helped him up the stairs. He was pretty exhausted now. She could sense it by the way his eyes fell shut and he stayed on the couch as long as possible. It was cold when they slipped under the blanket in Ellie's king sized bed, but soon it was all warm and cuddly. Alec wrapped his hand around her waist and buried his face in her neck, while she twisted her legs with his'. 

She smiled when she noticed that he had fallen asleep after a few minutes. 

They were going to be fine.


	5. Epilogue

Our world may be split up in black and white, but sometimes there are patterns that lighten up our lives,  
patterns in the colours of a rainbow, filling our hearts with warmth.  
Those patterns show us, that there is something worth living, worth fighting for.  
And they can be everything. They can be special people or a pet. They can be anything.  
And even if we sometimes do think that we can't stand this reality any more, we can still escape.  
We can read, to dive into another world, we can paint to get the pain out of our heads and we can write to create other universes.  
Better ones. Universes, where we can be whoever we want to be. Without being judged.  
And it will get better. Of course, there a good days and bad days, but it will get better.  
We will live.  
We will be happy.  
One day. 

 

Everything ends. And it's always sad.  
But everything begins again, too.  
And that's...always happy.  
Be happy.

\- 12th Doctor

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading everybody!!!
> 
> If you liked this, you can go to my Instagram page Jonah_Smith_907_Fanfictions.  
> I will post updates there and you can send me prompts if you want.


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